In a time of stuckness in a relationship, the way out will come in the form of a map.
The good news is, no matter how stuck we feel, we have power.
We are in charge. We can look inside ourselves and figure out: How did I get here? To this stuck place I am in now.
(Incidental/accidental Taking Heads reference.)
Let’s call it the bottom of a well. (Mixing metaphors. No one needs a map to get out of a well? But stay with me…)
Examine: What elements in my life, what parts of me, contributed to me being at the bottom of this well? What of these parts of me do I want to keep? What parts do I want to shift?
Where do I want to go next?
(Looks up, sees light, clouds, sky. Imagines climbing over top…)
How do I want to get there? What tools will I need? What supports?
None of these questions have to do with changing the other person.
That’s the good news.
We each can figure out on our own who we are and what we want.
Now, we have our map.
And by the way, the person we are feeling stuck with, the relationship we are in, they surely provide some of the features on the map. Hills, mountains, lakes, quicksand… but we are not stopped by them.
One doesn’t necessarily consult with a mountain in order to go over or around it. One doesn’t change the mountain. (Not without a ton of dynamite?)
One simply accepts its mountain-ness and makes adjustments.
And the magic is, by doing these things — the examining, figuring, uncovering, admitting to ourselves, wanting; preparing to draw the map, drawing the map — sometimes we do change the world around us.
The world changes in response to our changing awareness.
How the world looks changes. Our perceptions change. What is or is not possible, changes.
Weirdly, the people around us also change. Sometimes.
They may respond to the changes in us, because we are in a system with them. By changing ourselves, we change the chemical balance, the chemistry of the system, and other parts of the system change in response, to restore balance. That’s how nature works.
It’s just that the new balance point, the place you both arrive at after the re-balancing, may not be the one you expect or thought you wanted.
But if you do your own work, with curiosity, with gusto, the going inward, identifying, shining light, asking for help, being willing to change, grow, align, shift, be raw, be new… if you do all of these things, even half-heartedly, then the way the system changes will by definition support the new you you are becoming.
And you don’t even really have to identify the right destination.
Any destination will do if it feels good to you because the journey — the figuring out, the being willing, the offering up of self, the surrender — will get you where you really need to go.
The destination will find YOU.
The real you.
Not the you that you thought you were. Not the you that got you here. To the bottom of a well. That you was GREAT. We love her. No shame in her game. But, she’s at the bottom of a well. She’s feeling stuck but also, she knows new things are possible. Ascent is possible.
She knows there is MORE.
The desire for more is the key to drawing the map. It fuels the journey. And it reveals the destination. As we reveal ourselves to ourselves, we may be surprised. We discover a path, a destination, we didn’t expect…
Maybe, it turns out there was no well. No trap. (No spoon — deliberate Matrix reference).
The well was a wonderful resting place. And it disappears when we don’t need it anymore. But if we ever need to go back, it’s there. Cool, quiet, dark, safe.
And ready for you to discover, uncover, recover yourself again.
(Need help? Call me.)
#beentheredonethisstilldoingit #wisdomoftheages #desireisamap #youarethedestination #thereisnospoon #butIwantalltheicecreamanyway #willeatitwithmyfingers #nicewell
